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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27227878">Butler School</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis'>amythis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Laverne &amp; Shirley (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:09:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,431</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27227878</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The never written Season Two script about Lenny and Squiggy going to butler school.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>This could never be as funny as the original, but even Michael McKean doesn't remember the details after forty-something years, so you'll just have to settle for this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Scene A</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u">LAVERNE &amp; SHIRLEY<br/>
"Butler School"</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>Written by<br/>
Michael McKean and Davy L. Lander</p>
  <p>Produced by<br/>
Arthur Silver<br/>
Tony Marshall</p>
</div>A MILLER-MILKIS PRODUCTION<br/>In association with Garry Marshall<p>PRE-PRODUCTION DRAFT<br/>
June 1, 1976</p><p>_________________________________________</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u">LAVERNE &amp; SHIRLEY<br/>
"Butler School"</span></p>
</div><p>
    <span class="u">CAST</span>
  </p><p>LAVERNE DE FAZIO........PENNY MARSHALL<br/>
SHIRLEY FEENEY...............CINDY WILLIAMS<br/>
LEONARD KOSNOWSKI...MICHAEL McKEAN<br/>
ANDREW SQUIGGMAN........DAVID LANDER<br/>
MR. PENWORTHY............JOHN HOUSEMAN<br/>
PHILIP PFISTER......................ROD McCARY<br/>
MRS. HICKINBOTTOM.........IRENE TEDROW</p><p>
    <span class="u">SETS</span>
  </p><p>INT. GIRLS' APARTMENT<br/>
INT. BUTLER SCHOOL<br/>
INT. PFISTER MANSION DINING ROOM</p><p>_________________________________________</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
        <span class="u">LAVERNE &amp; SHIRLEY<br/>
"Butler School"</span>
      </p>
  <p>
        <span class="u">ACT ONE</span>
      </p>
  <p>
        <span class="u">A</span>
      </p>
</div><span class="u">INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN - EVENING</span><p>LAVERNE, WHO'S WEARING JEANS AND A T-SHIRT, IS POURING A BOX OF SUGARY CEREAL INTO A SALAD BOWL.  SHE ADDS MILK AND THEN, AFTER HESITATING, POURS IN A BOTTLE OF PEPSI.  SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM BEDROOM, DRESSED TO THE NINES.

</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Whew, don't you look snazzy?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Thank you.  My date is taking me to La Fondue.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
That fancy French restaurant?  Where'd you meet a guy who can afford a place like that?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
The art museum.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Sounds like a nerd.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
He happens to be a very nice, polished gentleman.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Exactly.  I bet you want me to change into something "respectable" before he gets here.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Actually, I'm meeting him at the restaurant.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Some gentleman!  He can't even pick up his date?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
He offered but, well, he doesn't know I live on Knapp Street.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Uh huh.  And I bet you didn't tell him you're a bottle-capper neither, did ya?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
I'm trying to make a good first impression, Laverne.  If this turns serious, then there will be time to tell him the truth.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Shirl, I know you're tryin' to land a classy guy, but he's not gonna like that you lied to him.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
I didn't lie.  I just haven't told him anything yet.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Great.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Hey, at least <span class="u">I</span> have a Friday night date.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
I'm just tryin' to be more selective, like you told me.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
In other words, you're in a dating slump.</p>
</div><p>LAVERNE GLARES AT HER.  SHIRLEY LOOKS AT THE CLOCK.  </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Oh, I've gotta dash if I'm gonna catch the bus!</p>
</div><p>SHE RUNS OUT.  LAVERNE SHAKES HER HEAD AND HEADS OVER TO THE TV.  SHE TURNS IT ON AND SITS ON THE COUCH, SETTING THE BOWL ON THE COFFEE TABLE.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(MUTTERING) I coulda had a date if I wanted.  Aaaah, who am I kiddin'?  I'm stuck here with <i>Rin Tin Tin</i> and Cocoa Puffs.</p>
</div><p>THE BOYS ENTER IN TUXEDOS, WITH WHITE GLOVES BUT THEIR USUAL SHOES.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Hello.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
What do you guys want?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
We want to give you a chance to invest in the potential of two promising young men.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
What is it this time?</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(REACHING INTO ONE OF THE POCKETS OF HIS BLACK JACKET) Exhibit A.  (HE HANDS HER A MATCHBOOK.)</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(READING ALOUD) The MMI?</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Ya gotta flip it over.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(READING THE BACK OF THE MATCHBOOK COVER) "The Milwaukee Manservant Institute wants to expand your potential."</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Naturally, we assumed this was some shady hospital operating on a precious part of the male anatalie.</p>
</div><b>{Standards &amp; Practices note: Omit!}</b><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
But it turns out a manservant is just a man who's a servant.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Why would you two wanna be servants?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
To meet rich women of course.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Huh?</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
See, we was watchin' <i>My Man Godfried</i> on the Late Show.  You ever seen it?</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Yeah, Carole Lombard is a dizzy heiress and William Powell is a bum during the Depression, only he ain't really a bum, but they fall in love when he becomes her butler.  But that's just a movie!</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
I don't want love.  I just want a little....</p>
</div>THE BOYS RONNIE.<div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
How much is this gonna cost?</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(REACHING INTO HIS JACKET AGAIN) Exhibit B.  (HE HANDS HER A BROCHURE.)</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(READING ALOUD) "The Milwaukee Manservant Institute is a unique, exclusive and professional butling and house management school. We are proud to be the finest and most innovative butler service training institute in the Midwest, second to none. We are equally proud that some of the region's wealthiest families, businesses, as well as five-star hotels, resorts, private clubs, and cruise lines, turn to us for staff training, for staff recruitment as well as for our highly specialized consulting services. Our comprehensive five-week, 100 curriculum hour, government-licensed training program will introduce each student to all the expected duties of a butler, personal assistant, valet, house and estate manager."  Bla bla bla.  Oh, here we go.  Fifty bucks each!  I ain't givin' you guys one hundred to learn how to serve from silver salvers and bow from the waist!</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Of course not.  You can sponsor me and Shirley can sponsor Squiggy.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Where is Shirl?</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Out on a date.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Awww, and she left you all on your lonesome?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Well, good thing we're here to keep you company.  Lenny, get more spoons.</p>
</div>LENNY IMMEDIATELY GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE KITCHEN.<div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
You're not gonna eat with your hands?  Wow, your manners are improvin' already.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Just 'cause you're goin' through a dry spell, don't take it out on us.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(COMING BACK WITH TWO SPOONS) Yeah, you'll be wet again in no time.  (HE AND SQUIGGY RONNIE AGAIN.)</p>
</div><p>
    <b>{S &amp; P note:  No, just no.}</b>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
You know, maybe it's better if Shirl doesn't invest in us.  We can surprise her at the end with our spiffy new jobs.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
You don't have to do the whole hundred yourself, Laverne.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
That's very generous, Len.  How about $25 total, to be refunded if you flunk out?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
(INDIGNANTLY) When have we ever flunked out?</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Uh, 1956 at Fillmore High?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
I still made Valentintorian, didn't I?</p>
</div><p>SHE NODS AT THE TRUTH OF THIS AND THE THREE OF THEM SETTLE IN FOR AN EVENING OF TELEVISION AND COCOA PUFFS.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
You know, if Rin Tin Tin married Lassie, they could breed a race of super puppies.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Lassie is played by a boy dog.</p>
  <p>BOTH BOYS<br/>
Yeah, right.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
It's true.  Watch the next time Lassie leaps over a fence.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
That little bitch.</p>
</div><p>
  <b>{S &amp; P note: DELETE THESE FIVE LINES!  Garry, I thought you said these boys could work clean!}</b>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Scene B</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p><br/>
<span class="u">B</span></p>
</div><p>
INT. MILWAUKEE MANSERVANT INSTITUTE CLASSROOM - EVENING A WEEK AND A HALF LATER
</p><p>THERE ARE SCHOOLROOM DESKS AND A PODIUM, BUT ALSO, AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS, A TEA TABLE AND CHAIRS.  THE INSTRUCTOR, MR. PENWORTHY, A DISTINGUISHED AND IMPOSING GENTLEMAN IN LATE MIDDLE AGE, IS DRESSED AS A BUTLER, BUT THE STUDENTS, ALL MALE, ARE IN REGULAR 1950S SUITS AND TIES.  THEN LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER WEARING THEIR OUTFITS FROM THE FIRST SCENE, WHICH THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE CHANGED OUT OF AND CLEANED IN THE MEANTIME.  LENNY IS VISIBLY IMPRESSED BY THEIR SURROUNDINGS, WHILE SQUIGGY IS TRYING TO PLAY IT COOL.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Gee whiz <b>{MMK note: That clean enough for you?}</b>, Squig, imagine us in higher education!</p>
  <p>
SQUIGGY<br/>
Just act natural, Len.
  </p>
</div><p>
THE BOYS TAKE THE TWO EMPTY SEATS AT THE FRONT AS NONCHALANTLY AS POSSIBLE, OF COURSE DRAWING EVERYONE'S ATTENTION.
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
Well, now that everyone is present, let us proceed.  I am your instructor, Mr. Penworthy.</p>
</div>THE BOYS SNICKER AT HIS NAME.  HE GLARES AT THEM AND THEY CRINGE.<div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
You will spend the next five weeks, four hours every weeknight, learning how to perform all the expected duties of a butler, personal assistant, valet, house and estate manager.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Yeah, yeah, we read the broach-your.</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
I think it would be best to begin tonight with manners.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(TRIUMPHANTLY, AS IF HE'S BEEN CRAMMING) Stately manors, right?</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
M-A-N-N-E-R-S.</p>
</div>THE BOYS TRY TO PARSE HIS SPELLING, MOUTHING THE LETTERS AT EACH OTHER, AND THEN SHRUG AND GIVE UP.<div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
Etiquette is the basis of any form of service.  If one cannot be polite to one's superiors, then one cannot have a career as a manservant.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(CONFUSED) One what?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
(DEFIANTLY) Andrew Squiggman ain't no man's inferior.  (LEERINGLY) Though he ain't totally against the female superior position.</p>
</div><b>{S &amp; P note: Sigh, rewrite the second half of that line.}</b><div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
Mr. Squiggman, please stand up.</p>
</div>HE RELUCTANTLY DOES SO, AS LENNY LOOKS BOTH AMUSED AND SCARED, AS IF THEY'RE LITTLE KIDS GETTING IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL.<div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
Mr. Squiggman, imagine that I'm your employer, coming home from a trip to Europe.  What would you do?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Wait until you sit down before askin' what souvenires you got me?</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
(TRYING NOT TO LOSE HIS PATIENCE OR HIS TEMPER) You should draw me a hot bath—</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
With crayons or pencils?</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
(IGNORING THAT) And then as I bathe—</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
I don't gotta shampoo you or nothin, do I?</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(WAVING HIS ARM EAGERLY) I'll do it!  I'll do it!</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Kiss-up!</p>
</div>LENNY LOOKS CHAGRINED AND PUTS HIS ARM DOWN.<div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
As I bathe, you should unpack my suitcase.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
And then I get the souvenires!</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
(SIGHING WEARILY) Please sit down, Mr. Squiggman.</p>
</div>SQUIGGY SITS BACK DOWN.<div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(WHISPERING AUDIBLY AS HE PATS SQUIGGY ON THE BACK) Good job, Squig!</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
Mr. Kosnowski, please stand up.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(STARING AT HIM IN WONDER) You know my name!</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
Simple deductive reasoning, Mr. Kosnowski.  As you and Mr. Squiggman were the only students absent for role call, you must therefore be Mr. Kosnowski.  Now stand up.</p>
</div>LENNY OBEYS HIM UNQUESTIONINGLY DURING THIS SEQUENCE, AS IF HYPNOTIZED.<div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
(SITTING AT THE TEA TABLE) Now imagine that I am having a lovely tea party.</p>
</div>SQUIGGY SNICKERS BUT LENNY NODS AND IMAGINES.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
How do you approach the table?</p>
</div><p>LENNY HESITATES AND THEN GETS ON HIS KNEES AND APPROACHES THE TABLE KNEELING.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
Not that humbly, Mr. Kosnowski.  You stand and you walk over in a respectful manner, not drawing attention to yourself but waiting patiently until your services are required.  I signal that you should bring over the tea and pour it for my guests and myself.</p>
</div><p>HE SIGNALS AND THEN LENNY, WHO'S STANDING NEAR THE TABLE BY THIS TIME, LOOKS AROUND FRANTICALLY FOR THE TEAPOT.  SQUIGGY HELPFULLY POINTS AT A STOOL IN THE CORNER.  LENNY SPOTS IT AND MOUTHS "THANKS YOU" AT HIS FRIEND.  HE GRABS THE POT, WHICH IS HOTTER THAN HE EXPECTS, AND MANAGES TO CARRY IT OVER TO THE TABLE, SPILLING SOME ON THE WAY.  HE THEN SPILLS THE REST ON MR. PENWORTHY WHILE TRYING TO POUR.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
And that, Sir, is exactly why you would be fired on your first day!</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(DROPPING TO HIS KNEES AGAIN) Please don't fire me, Mr. Penworthy!  I got a wife and two cats to support!</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
As you are not in fact in my employ, and as your check has cleared, you will not be fired or even expelled.  I will freshen up and then return to hammer into the thick skulls of you and your companion the rude fundamentals of being a manservant.</p>
</div><p>HE EXITS WITH ALL THE DIGNITY HE CAN MUSTER.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(COMING BACK OVER, STILL ON THIS KNEES) Gosh, I'm sorry, Squig!</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
You're young and you're learnin'.  You just gotta think like a butler.</p>
</div><p>BOTH BOYS DO THEIR BEST TO THINK.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(SNAPPING HIS FINGERS) Hey, Squig, you know what menservants would do right now?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Help him freshen up?</p>
</div><p>THE BOYS NOD EAGERLY AT EACH OTHER AND RACE OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Scene C</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p><br/>
<span class="u">C</span></p>
</div><p>
INT. SAME AS SCENE A, BUT A SATURDAY NIGHT A COUPLE WEEKS LATER.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE BOTH DRESSED TO GO OUT, SHIRLEY MORE FORMALLY THAN LAVERNE.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
So where's Mr. Dreamboat taking you tonight?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
The opera.</p>
</div>LAVERNE DOES AN EXAGGERATED YAWN.<div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
And where's Norman taking you?</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Dancing.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
(DEFENSIVELY) I'm sure Philip will take me dancing sometime.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Yeah, to like a debutante ball or cotillion or somethin'.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
You say that like it's a bad thing.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
I like bowling balls better.</p>
</div><b>{DDL note: I hope you appreciate that we restrained ourselves here.}</b><div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Well, Philip did offer to take me to a cricket match.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Is that like a cockfight?  With crickets instead of roosters?</p>
</div><b>{MMK note: And here.}</b>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
No, it's some kind of sport he played in college.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(DOING A MR. HOWELL TYPE ACCENT) Yale or Hahvahd?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
No, Princeton.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Poor Philip.  So what's his last name?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
(MUMBLING) Pfister.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
What was that?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
His name is Philip Pfister, all right?</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(BOTH AMUSED AND IMPRESSED) One of the Milwaukee Pfisters?  Why'd you wait almost a month to tell me that, Shirl?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Because I didn't want you to make a big deal about it.  He's really very down-to-earth and normal.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Uh huh.  So when am I going to meet Mr. Average?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Well, I still haven't told him much about my life.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Shirley!</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Well, he knows a little but mostly we talk about art and literature.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Uh huh.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
We're still figuring out how we feel about each other.  I promise I'll be more open if it gets more serious.</p>
</div><p>
  <b>{DDL: Definitely here.}</b>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Is that when you're going to tell Carmine?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Well, I don't really want to tell any of our friends I'm dating one of the Milwaukee Pfisters until I have to.  It's bad enough telling you.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
That's not what I mean.  You know he's going to want to know if you get serious about anyone.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Carmine and I are just friends these days, especially since he got with Lucille Lockwash.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
That divorced bimbo?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Yes.  Anyway, my personal life is of no interest to him now.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Sure, "Angelface."</p>
</div>SHIRLEY MAKES A FAR FROM ANGELIC FACE AT HER.  THEN SHE LOOKS AT THE CLOCK.<div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Oh, I'm going to miss my bus!</p>
</div><p>SHE DASHES OUT.  LAVERNE SHAKES HER HEAD AND THEN GETS HER BOWLING BALL OUT OF THE CLOSET.</p><p>FADE OUT</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u">END OF ACT ONE</span>
  </p>
</div><p>
  <b>{Garry Marshall note: Boys, you're doing fine so far with the plotting and characterization, but, yes, please keep toning it down.  Also, I like the name and idea of "Lucille Lockwash," but can you find another first name for Shirley's boyfriend, so Phil Foster doesn't get offended?  And can you work "Frank" in here somewhere, even if it's just him dropping by the apartment for a minute?  Ditto "Edna."  It'd be nice if you could do a little bit of Carmine being curious about Shirley's new guy, even if they never meet.  I understand this is a "Lenny and Squiggy" episode, but you've got to give those three something to do.  Oh, and I hope you're going to give Shirley more later, so Cindy doesn't feel like we're favoring Penny with more lines.}<b></b></b>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Scene D</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u">ACT TWO</span>
  </p>
  <p>
        <span class="u">D</span></p>
</div>INT. SAME AS SCENE B, BUT THE LAST NIGHT OF THE BUTLER TRAINING.<p>LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE THE ONLY ONES THERE.  THEIR "BUTLER" OUTFITS ARE SURPRISINGLY CLEAN AND PRESSED, AFTER A VISIT TO SQUIGGY'S UNCLE'S DRY-CLEANING ESTABLISHMENT.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Well, Len, it's been a long, hard struggle, but like all long, hard things, it must come to a climax.</p>
</div><p>
  <b>{S &amp; P Note: Really?  You thought that was going to fly by the radar?}</b>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Yeah, and tonight we get our reward.</p>
</div>LENNY'S FACE LIGHTS UP AS LAVERNE ENTERS, WEARING CHURCH CLOTHES AND CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY (CONT'D)<br/>
Maybe more than one.</p>
</div><p>LAVERNE MAKES HER WAY OVER TO THEM.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Well, you boys proved me wrong.  But to show I ain't got hard feelings, I'm gonna give you something.</p>
</div><b>{MMK note: I did restrain myself here.}</b><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Oo, what'd you buy us?</p>
</div>SHE TAKES TWO GRADUATION CAPS OUT OF THE BAG AND HANDS THEM TO THE BOYS, WHO EAGERLY PUT THEM ON.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Gee, it's got a tassel and everything!</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
I feel like a stripper, in a good way of course.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(LOOKING AROUND) Where is everyone?</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
We asked you to get here a little early, so we could thank you for supporting us, when none of our other friends did.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
You asked me not to tell your other friends.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
(WITH A MIXTURE OF HURT AND INDIGNATION) If they really cared about us, they woulda guessed!</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
So thank you, Laverne.</p>
</div>LENNY REACHES OUT AND PULLS HER INTO A KISS, WHICH STARTLES HER AND THEN SHE RETURNS IT.  SQUIGGY USES THIS DISTRACTION TO REACH OUT AND GRAB HER BUTT.<p>
  <b>{DLL note: I toned that down from "ass."  Let me know if I need to change it to "keister" or "tushie" or something.}</b>
</p><p>LAVERNE WHIRLS AROUND AND SLAPS SQUIGGY'S CHEEK.  BOTH BOYS REEL, LENNY FROM THE KISS OF COURSE.  THEN THE OTHER STUDENTS AND MR. PENWORTHY ENTER.  THE STUDENTS TAKE THEIR SEATS BUT MR. PENWORTHY LOOKS DISAPPROVINGLY AT THE BOYS AND LAVERNE.

</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
<p></p><div class="center"><p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
May I ask why there is a lady in an institute for manservants?</p><p>LENNY<br/>
Laverne is our honored guest for our graduation.</p><p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Yeah, just 'cause these losers ain't got no one to cheer on their Triumph TR2, that ain't our problem.</p><p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
We are not in fact having a graduation ceremony as such, but as this is the final night on which I must endure your loathsome presence, I will allow it.  Please be seated, Miss.</p></div></div>LAVERNE IS AWED BY HIS WELL-SPOKEN MANNER AND SHE DECIDES TO NOT HOLD A GRUDGE AGAINST THE BOYS' FRESHNESS.  LENNY SMILES AT HER AND INDICATES THAT SHE SHOULD TAKE HIS DESK.  SQUIGGY PLOPS DOWN INTO HIS OWN CHAIR AND PUTS HIS FEET ON THE DESK.  MR. PENWORTHY SHAKES HIS HEAD BUT DECIDES TO IGNORE THEM.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY (CONT'D)<br/>
Against all odds, everyone in this room, with the exception of the young lady, has completed the coursework and is now eligible to be placed in a stately home or prestigious business.  Per the terms of the MMI contract, we have done our best to find each of you a position that best suits you.  I hold in these envelopes each of your assignments.  You are of course welcome to refuse, but I don't recommend it.</p>
</div>HE MOVES ALONG THE AISLES, HANDING OUT THE ENVELOPES TO EACH STUDENT, WHO RIPS THEM OPEN AND REACTS, MOSTLY POSITIVELY.  THE EXTRAS CAN AD-LIB, UNLESS THAT VIOLATES UNION RULES AND THEY NEED TO REACT NON-VERBALLY INSTEAD.  THEY MAKE THEIR WAY OUT, SOME OF THEM STOPPING TO THANK MR. PENWORTHY, UNTIL ONLY LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE LEFT.  MR. PENWORTHY HANDS THEM THEIR ENVELOPES AND THEN GOES TO GET HIS BRIEFCASE FROM THE PODIUM.  THE BOYS OPEN THE ENVELOPES, LENNY NERVOUSLY, SQUIGGY AS CASUALLY AS HE CAN.<div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(READING ALOUD) "A foot man?"  How did they know about my fetish?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
No, Len, remember?  (HE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE FLOOR.)  A footman is (AS IF QUOTING FROM A TEXTBOOK) "a liveried servant whose duties include admitting visitors and waiting at table."  (ANGRILY) And I don't even like liver!</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(HURT) Is that what you think of us, Mr. Penworthy, men as low as feet?</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
Despite your constant insistence that this is "butler school," if you examine the contract, you will see that there was never any guarantee that you would emerge ready to buttle.  Frankly, finding you work as footmen was difficult enough.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(RISING TO HER FEET) Hey, these guys are my friends and, sure, they're dumb and clumsy and classless, but they worked their keisters off for this school, and they deserve a little respect for that.</p>
</div><p>THE BOYS AD-LIB "YOU TELL HIM, LAVERNE!" AND SIMILAR, LENNY PATTING HER BACK.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
I assure you, Miss, I give them the little respect they deserve.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
That's better.</p>
  <p>MR. PENWORTHY<br/>
Good night and good luck.</p>
</div>HE EXITS WITH HIS BRIEFCASE.<div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
There goes the classiest guy who will ever insult us.  Well, at least out of all our teachers.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Yeah, it's like that old movie, <i>Goodbye, Mr. Potato Chips.</i>.</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
So who are you boys gonna be footmen for?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
(PRONOUNCING ALL THE P'S) Philip Pfister.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Of the Milwaukee Pfisters!</p>
</div>LAVERNE REACTS, AND THEN TRIES TO JUST TO ACT HAPPY FOR THEM, AS WE FADE OUT.<p>
  <b>{GM note: So you're just going to ignore all my advice, huh?  And, Michael, we've talked about this before.  I don't care what Penny told you about the boys being "last-minute dates" for the girls.  Lenny is not going to get with Laverne.  He can have a little crush on her, but she should not be kissing him back.  That said, I can see where the plot is heading, and that works.  Revise this scene and then turn in Scene E for my approval.}</b>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Scene E</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u">E</span>
  </p>
</div>INT. PFISTER MANSION DINING ROOM - THE FOLLOWING EVENING<p>THE ROOM IS ELEGANT IN AN UNDERSTATED WAY.  THE TABLE IS SET FOR A VERY SMALL DINNER OF JUST SIX, ALTHOUGH IT COULD EASILY SEAT A DOZEN.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE NOW DRESSED AS FOOTMEN, ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT THESE UNIFORMS FROM SQUIGGY'S UNCLE ELLIOTT'S WAX MUSEUM.  SQUIGGY IS TYING LENNY'S WHITE BOW TIE.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(NERVOUSLY) How do I look?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Very footmanly and defeetist.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Thank you.  I hope Mr. Pfister likes us.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
What's not to like?  We're gonna be the best feetmen he's ever seen, and we'll be promoted to thighs by the end of the weekend.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Gee, I'd settle for knees.  But what are we gonna do about Shotz?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
We'll turn in our notice on Monday.  And then I guess we'll have to move out of 730 Knapp Street and into the servants' quarters and dimes here.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Wow, I'm gonna miss Mrs. Babish, Carmine, and the girls!</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Yeah, but at least this place has a dumbwaiter, too, so it'll feel just like home.</p>
</div><p>DESPITE HIS MIXED FEELINGS, LENNY'S EYES LIGHT UP.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Really?</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Yeah, it leads from the kitchen to up here.</p>
</div><p>BOTH BOYS TURN THEIR EYES TO THE DOOR OF THE DUMBWAITER, THEN THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND NOD.  THEY RACE OVER TO THE DUMBWAITER, OPEN THE DOOR, AND CLIMB IN.  THEY USE THE PULLEYS TO LOWER THEMSELVES OUT OF SIGHT.  AFTER A BEAT, PHILIP PFISTER ENTERS WITH HIS BUTLER, WHO IS JUST A STOCK CHARACTER, EASILY CAST.  PHILIP IS ABOUT TWENTY-FIVE, TALL, HANDSOME, WELL-DRESSED, AND CLASSY, WITH SUBTLE SLEAZE UNDER THAT POLISHED VENEER.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Wadsworth, where are the two footmen you hired for this dinner party?</p>
  <p>BUTLER<br/>
They were supposed to be here, Mr. Pfister.  I'll go look for them.</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
See that you find them.  Or else you and Waldo the chauffeur are footmen tonight.</p>
  <p>BUTLER<br/>
It's Walter, Sir.</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Whatever.  My guests are going to be here any minute.</p>
  <p>BUTLER<br/>
(BOWING) Yes, Sir. </p>
</div>HE EXITS.  PHILIP EXAMINES THE SILVERWARE, NOTICES A SPOT, TSK-TSKS, AND THEN POLISHES IT ON HIS SLEEVE.  MEANWHILE, THE BOYS RISE BACK UP IN THE DUMBWAITER AND SPOT PHILIP HOLDING A SILVER SPOON.  THEY LEAP OUT OF THE DUMBWAITER, RUN OVER, AND WRESTLE HIM TO THE GROUND.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
(SITTING ON PHILIP'S BACK) Thought you could do a second-story job, huh, Buddy?  Len, go call the cops!</p>
</div>LENNY GETS TO HIS FEET AND LOOKS AROUND FRANTICALLY FOR A TELEPHONE.  THE BUTLER RE-ENTERS AND IS AGHAST.<div class="center">
  <p>BUTLER<br/>
(GOING TO PHILIP) Mr. Pfister, are you all right?</p>
</div>THE BOYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEN SQUIGGY ROLLS OFF PHILIP AND HELPS HIM TO HIS FEET, UNTIL THE BUTLER INTERVENES.  LENNY STANDS THERE, WRINGING HIS HANDS.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Gee, we're sorry, Mr. Pfister!  We didn't know!</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Yeah, we couldn't help it that you look like a crook.  A classy crook.</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
(TO BUTLER) Are these the new footmen?</p>
  <p>BUTLER<br/>
Yes, Sir, they came highly recommended by the MMI.</p>
</div><p>THE BOYS LOOK TOUCHED AND SURPRISED BY MR. PENWORTHY'S SUPPORT, ALTHOUGH THEIR TEACHER PROBABLY JUST DIDN'T WANT TO FLUNK THEM AND HAVE THEM COME BACK.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
(LOOKING AT THE BOYS) I should have Wadsworth sack you.</p>
</div><p>SQUIGGY SNICKERS, BUT LENNY ELBOWS HIM BECAUSE OF THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>PHILIP (CONT'D)<br/>
But I suppose you did mean well, and my guests will be arriving any minute.  So you can stay.</p>
</div>LENNY CHEERS, AS SQUIGGY NONCHALANTLY STRAIGHTENS HIS OWN UNIFORM, AND THE BUTLER STRAIGHTENS PHILIP'S.  THEN THE DOORBELL RINGS.<div class="center">
  <p>BUTLER<br/>
I'll get that.  Squiggman, you'll announce the guests and, Kosnowski, you'll serve the meal.</p>
</div>SQUIGGY STATIONS HIMSELF AT THE STAGE RIGHT DOOR, AS LENNY TRIES TO BOARD THE DUMBWAITER.<div class="center">
  <p>BUTLER (CONT'D)<br/>
Through the doorway if you please.</p>
</div>LENNY LOOKS DISAPPOINTED BUT HE DOESN'T ARGUE.  HE EXITS OUT THE STAGE LEFT DOOR.  THE BUTLER SHAKES HIS HEAD AND EXITS PAST SQUIGGY.  PHILIP WAITS FOR SQUIGGY TO PULL OUT THE CHAIR AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, STAGE LEFT, THEN GIVES UP AND SITS DOWN.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
So, Mr. Pfister, you got a sister?</p>
</div>PHILIP IGNORES HIM.  A MAN OF ABOUT PHILIP'S AGE AND APPEARANCE, BUT MORE GENERIC, ENTERS STAGE RIGHT AND HANDS SQUIGGY A CARD, WHICH SQUIGGY POCKETS.  THE MAN WHISPERS SOMETHING TO SQUIGGY.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY (CONT'D)<br/>
(POINTING WITH HIS THUMB) Oh, this guy is Pierce Digby, but you probably already knew that.</p>
</div>PIERCE CROSSES OVER TO PHILIP AND TAKES THE SEAT TO HIS RIGHT.  THE TWO FRIENDS SHAKE HANDS AND THEN WHISPER SOMETHING OF WHICH WE ONLY CATCH PHILIP'S "NOT YET, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT GIRLS LIKE THAT."  THE TWO MEN LAUGH.  SQUIGGY LOOKS LIKE HE'S FEELING LEFT OUT OF THEIR DIRTY TALK, BUT HE FORCES HIMSELF TO STAY AT HIS APPOINTED STATION.  THEN A STATELY OLD MATRON ENTERS, IN A GOWN, PEARLS, ETC.  SHE CLEARS HER THROAT, BUT SQUIGGY DOESN'T NOTICE.  SHE COUGHS MORE LOUDLY.  SQUIGGY TURNS TO LOOK AT HER.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
You want a cough drop or somethin'?</p>
</div>PHILIP RISES TO HIS FEET AS HIS FRIEND SLIDES DOWN THE TABLE A COUPLE SEATS.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Mrs. Hickinbottom, how lovely to see you!</p>
</div><p>SQUIGGY SNICKERS AT HER NAME.  THE OLD LADY LOOKS AFFRONTED AND PHILIP GLARES AT HIM.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
I guess this old dame is Mrs. Hickeybottom.</p>
</div>MRS. HICKINBOTTOM LOOKS AS IF SHE'S TEMPTED TO CORRECT HIM BUT DECIDES TO IGNORE HIM.  SHE GOES TO PHILIP, WHO GREETS HER WITH A HAND-KISS.<div class="center">
  <p>MRS. HICKINBOTTOM<br/>
So, Philip, am I going to meet the charming young lady you've been boasting about at the country club?</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Yes, she's not quite ready for her debut, but I thought this would be a marvelous opportunity to introduce her into polite society.</p>
  <p>MRS. HICKINBOTTOM<br/>
You're quite the Professor Henry Higgins, aren't you?</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Well, she's not exactly a guttersnipe, but she is as bright and lovely as Eliza Doolittle.</p>
</div>SQUIGGY LOOKS AS IF THIS RINGS A BELL BUT HE CAN'T QUITE PLACE IT.  PHILIP TAKES MRS. HICKENBOTTOM'S CHAIR, THE ONE PIERCE VACATED, OUT FOR HER, NOT TRUSTING SQUIGGY TO.  A GENERIC MIDDLE-AGED, RICH COUPLE ENTERS AND SQUIGGY NOTICES THEM BEFORE THEY CAN DRAW HIS ATTENTION.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
OK, who the hell are <span class="u">you</span>?</p>
</div><p>THE WOMAN LOOKS SCANDALIZED, BUT THE MAN HANDS SQUIGGY A CARD.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY (CONT'D)<br/>
(READING ALOUD) Mr. and Mrs. Leighton McAllister.  (TO THE WOMAN) You're named Leighton, too?</p>
</div>THE COUPLE SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND GO OVER TO THE TABLE.  PHILIP GREETS THEM AND THEN THEY TAKE SEATS WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE AUDIENCE.  WE HEAR A WOMAN'S HEELS ON MARBLE TILE.  SQUIGGY HEARS THEM, TOO, AND THIS TIME HE'S GOING TO BE READY.  HE STRAIGHTENS HIS POSTURE.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
(PROCLAIMING) Announcing—</p>
</div>SHIRLEY ENTERS IN BORROWED FINERY, INCLUDING VERY HIGH HEELS.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY (CONT'D)<br/>
(AMAZED) Shirley Wilhelmina Feeney?!</p>
</div>THE TWO OF THEM STARE AT EACH OTHER.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY/SHIRLEY<br/>
What are you doing here?</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
(ALSO SURPRISED) Do you two know each other?</p>
</div>SHIRLEY GIVES SQUIGGY A PLEADING LOOK.<div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Only in passing.</p>
</div>SHIRLEY MAKES HER WAY OVER TO THE TABLE AND THIS TIME SQUIGGY PULLS HER CHAIR OUT, THE CHAIR AT THE FOOT OF THE TABLE.  PHILIP GLARES AT HIM AND SQUIGGY RETREATS TO HIS STATION BY THE DOOR.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Shirley, I'm so glad you could make it.  This is (POINTING AT EACH ONE) Pierce Digby, Mrs. Louisa Hickinbottom, and Mr. and Mrs. Leighton McAllister.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
(MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) It's rude to point.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Charmed, I'm sure.</p>
</div><p>LENNY ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT, CARRYING A WINE BOTTLE.  HE IS WALKING CAREFULLY AND LOOKING AT THE BOTTLE RATHER THAN THE PEOPLE.  HE TAKES OUT HIS POCKET TOOLS KIT AND USES A CORKSCREW TO REMOVE THE CORK.  THEN HE HANDS THE CORK TO PHILIP, WHO INHALES.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Ah, 1944, a very good year.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Yes, it's the year I met my best friend.</p>
</div><p>LENNY LOOKS OVER AT HER IN SURPRISE AND MANAGES TO SPILL HALF THE WINE ALL OVER MRS. HICKINBOTTOM.  HAVOC ENSUES, IN WHICH SQUIGGY CAN BE HEARD SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT PROBABLY NOT BEING THE FIRST TIME WINE HAS GOTTEN THE OLD BROAD'S PANTIES WET.</p><p>
  <b>{S &amp; P note: No, he cannot!}</b>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hickinbottom!  I didn't know that the Milwaukee Manservant Institute would send me two complete imbeciles.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(SHEEPISHLY) Actually, I got a Incomplete in Oenology.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
Philip, don't be too hard on them.  These boys are obviously just new at this.</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
These "boys" are the most classless people I've ever met.  I would've been better off hiring two of your co-workers from the brewery.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
(GASPING) You know about Shotz?</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Of course I know you're a bottle-capper.</p>
</div><p>MRS. HICKINBOTTOM AND THE McALLISTERS GASP IN HORROR.  PIERCE DOESN'T LOOK SURPRISED.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>MRS. HICKINBOTTOM<br/>
Philip, you told me she was lower-middle-class, but I didn't know you meant that low!</p>
  <p>PHILIP<br/>
Yes, the private investigator I hired told me all about her.  But I thought she had potential.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
Yeah, potential to be a guttersnap who puts out.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Shirley Feeney don't put out for no man, living or dead.</p>
</div><p>
  <b>{S &amp; P note: OK, that made me laugh.  I guess I'll allow it.}</b>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
(RISING TO HER FEET WITH DIGNITY, DESPITE HER HURT AND DISAPPOINTMENT) I thought you were a gentleman, Philip, but Lenny and Squiggy are far classier than you'll ever be.</p>
</div><p>THE RICH PEOPLE ACT OFFENDED.  SQUIGGY HOLDS OUT HIS ARM AND SHIRLEY TAKES IT.  THEY EXIT STAGE RIGHT.  LENNY HESITATES AND THEN RUNS AFTER THEM, WITH THE HALF-FULL BOTTLE OF WINE, USING HIS PINKY AS A CORK.</p><p>FADE OUT</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u">END OF ACT TWO</span>
  </p>
</div><b>{GM note: This is more like it, with the exception of a few dubious lines.  I like the slapstick, and the heartwarming moment of Shirley and the boys standing up for each for other.  Oh, and I love that middle name for Shirley!}</b>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Scene F</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <span class="u">TAG</span>
  </p>
  <p>
        <span class="u">F</span></p>
</div>INT. THE GIRLS' LIVING ROOM, LATER THAT NIGHT<p>THE BOYS AND THE GIRLS ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, IN THE ORDER OF, FROM STAGE RIGHT TO STAGE LEFT, LENNY (ON THE COUCH ARM), LAVERNE, SQUIGGY, AND SHIRLEY.  THEY ARE POLISHING OFF THE REST OF THE WINE.  THEY ARE TIPSY TO VARYING DEGREES, LAVERNE NOT SURPRISINGLY THE BEST ABLE TO HANDLE IT.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
...So you see why I couldn't tell nobody, since you all swore me to secrecy.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
I guess it all worked out and at least the boys learned some valuable skills, like (SHE HICCUPS) etiquette.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
(SLURRING HIS WORDS) And the true meaning of friendship!</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
And we got vino out of it.</p>
  <p>LENNY<br/>
Laverne, don't you have a cousin Vino?</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
(AMUSED AND AFFECTIONATE) You big dope.</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
To friendship!</p>
  <p>ALL<br/>
(TOASTING) To friendship!</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
(IN SPEECH MODE) For friendship is like a candle in the darkness—</p>
</div>THE LIGHTS GO OUT.<div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY (CONT'D)<br/>
Laverne, did you pay the light bill?</p>
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Um, Guys, I'm gonna need my twenty-five bucks back.</p>
  <p>SQUIGGY<br/>
I don't know if I can find my wallet in the dark.</p>
</div>SOUND OF SLAPPING.
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
(INDIGNANTLY) That's not your wallet!</p>
</div><p>
  <b>{S &amp; P Note: I'm going to let that one go, on the assumption that anyone who would find it dirty wouldn't be offended.}</b>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>SQUIGGY/LENNY<br/>
Double makeout!</p>
</div><p>SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE, INCLUDING THE COUCH FALLING OVER.  THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON AND WE SEE SHIRLEY BY THE WALL SWITCH, LAVERNE STANDING AND LOOKING DOWN AT THE BOYS, WHO ARE PASSED OUT DRUNK UNDER THE TOPPLED-OVER COUCH.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Should we clean up this mess?</p>
  <p>SHIRLEY<br/>
We're not their maids.  Goodnight, Laverne.</p>
</div><p>SHE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE<br/>
Goodnight, Shirl.</p>
</div><p>SHE HESITATES AND THEN COVERS THE COUCH WITH AN AFGHAN.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>LAVERNE (CONT'D)<br/>
Goodnight, Boys.</p>
</div><p>THEY SNORE IN REPLY AND SHE EXITS.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
        <span class="u">END OF TAG</span></p>
</div><p>
  <b>{GM note: Nice work, Guys.  The script definitely needs some polishing (and cleaning!), and I still think you could maybe work in Frank, Edna, and/or Carmine in there somewhere.  Even if this script doesn't go through, keep submitting what you come up with.  Like Shirley, you have a lot of potential.}</b>
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